Every relationship we form involves some degree of risk. We are given no guarantees that our relationships will succeed, or that they will last indefinitely. Life is inherently transient, and good friendships are often painfully fleeting, momentary in the great scheme.
Having spent the past few days in Austin saying so many difficult goodbyes, I’ve been thinking about how these attachments started. What was it that made me open up emotionally, especially after I knew I would be leaving the country? Why would I bother creating potentially heart-breaking attachments? In general, what is our incentive to keep forming these relationships that have unknown shelf-lives? If our hearts are potentially at risk, why should we bother?
Maybe it is precisely because there is risk involved, that there is the potential for great personal reward. My most intense experiences have grown out of a great deal of openness, out of deep conversations, out of sharing secrets, and – though I hate to admit it – exposing my worst qualities. The friendships became lasting ones with shared intimacy. Those are the people who simultaneously know the best and worst of you – and accept the whole package.
In my case, my best friends see the jealous, cranky, stubborn, and sometimes condescending Janelle and are willing to live with her because they (hopefully, more often) get to experience positive, loving Janelle. I like to think, as a friend, that I reciprocate.
A good friend recently remarked that she was glad she opened up even though I would be leaving. I am so impressed with this idea of opening yourself up to loving others deeply when I think about how my friends, both new and older, are willing to make, and deepen, our friendship, despite my impending expiration date. There is such a beauty in that openness. It shows a great humanity, huge heart, and a lack of guardedness, of the prevailing cynicism, or perhaps realism, of today.
Indeed, it is that ability to detach ourselves from others that I find troubling, especially when I see it occurring in myself. We live in a fluid, automated, transient, and versatile society. While there are certainly many wonderful lessons gained from this flexibility and diversity, the sense of one’s roots and a feeling of groundedness is missing. I have moved, changing cities and apartments nearly every year since I was eighteen. What I’ve gained in my diversity of experiences, I’ve often lost in weaving close friendships, particularly in my time living in New York.
Austin has been such a remarkable place for me largely because of the openness of the relationships I’ve made. There has been an honesty, an authentic quality, that I am perhaps only now properly reflecting upon.
I know no better way to say it than that I feel sad now, sadder even than I am allowing myself to feel. I am still somewhat purposefully numb. I haven’t opened the letters from my friends from my goodbye party. I fear the floodgates that will open when I do so. I know I must take the time to feel the sense of loss – of place, of friends, of my home. When I do, I wonder if I will regret any of it, for the pain is a result of having gotten close. But somehow, I know deep down that I can’t think like that, just like I can’t live my life worried about losing people who are close to me. I have experienced deep loss, losing my mom to cancer. I have also watched my relationships and friendships dissolve. For all the pain at the time, I want to refuse to give up all that I learned, felt, and gained from each relationship, each moment.
Maybe we can learn how to make the sadness poignant, how to breathe it in as deeply as the euphoria we felt in the relationship. Then the highs and lows become a circadian rhythm. It is no longer a good or a bad thing for a relationship to shift, to morph, to grow, or to move on. It is how life is and nothing more, neither yin nor yang, but rather a gateway into the human soul, a way to make every precious second in this body worthwhile.
3 Comments
July 22, 2008 at 10:34 am
I really like what you’ve written here. You touch on many things I’ve been feeling/questioning myself lately (getting close to someone when you know you’ll inevitably be parting ways, etc.)
July 23, 2008 at 4:39 pm
I’m incredibly sad because you’ve left, but I opened myself up because I know I’m not going to lose you- Not because you’ve moved to Taiwan or to the moon. You are special to me, and you are a part of me now, even when you’re not around. Though I’ll miss our daily interactions, our friendship can still grow and change with the distance.
And, you’ll be back one day.
July 26, 2008 at 5:04 pm
I love this part…miss you!!
“Maybe we can learn how to make the sadness poignant, how to breathe it in as deeply as the euphoria we felt in the relationship. Then the highs and lows become a circadian rhythm. It is no longer a good or a bad thing for a relationship to shift, to morph, to grow, or to move on. It is how life is and nothing more, neither yin nor yang, but rather a gateway into the human soul, a way to make every precious second in this body worthwhile.”